(Contains some amount of strong language)
I think I forgot why I write. Or how to write. I don't know, somewhere between "I'm not inspired" and "I'm too busy", I steadily ignored the fact that I was only using these excuses as distractions, confusing my consciousness with the humdrum of existence. I was too busy, to busy to acknowledge that maybe I wasn't too busy, maybe I had been writing for all the wrong reasons and maybe, just maybe, my conscience and intellect, the very substance of my existence was rebelling against what my intelligence was telling me was the way.
You see, really, I was just a big hypocrite, someway somehow. Because constantly and consciously I wrote about standing apart from the crowd, I spoke about speaking your own words and speaking them out loud, I wrote about individuality and making a difference in society and the sad goddamn reality was that I was more guilty of everything I spoke against. Because honestly, I began writing because my spirit told me to, my muse grew, my being existed in the pouring of words but somewhere between moonlight cafe stages and applause and "Offeibea, you write really well," I started to write to please the crowd. I started to write about speaking loud not only because it was what I believed in, but because I knew it was what you wanted to hear. I spoke about being different cos fuckit everyone wants to be different nowadays, it's all we hold dear. I wrote about rebellion and making a point to the older society because every younger generation believes they are the way. In my attempt to speak the truth I just spoke what subconsciously you wanted me to say.
And I knew it, I liked it, I liked the rush and I liked the applause, I liked shutting down spoken word floors i liked beautifully arranging words i thought were mine but which were subconsciously yours i liked feeling your approval. I liked it when you liked me, i liked the silence when i speak and i like the feeling of greatness thay i felt after every piece but that was not why I write. I write about society Cos I believe it, fuck what you think. Fuck What's cool, fuck the applause fuck you. I write about change because That's what I want to create, I write about love because That's one of the only miracles I am allowed to make. I write about sex because let's face it, it's one of the greatest FUCKING feelings and I write about hurt because I believe it gives me healing. i write about taking a stance and making a difference, because i want you to do so, yes, but firstly because i want to live my words. I dont want to be remembered by how warm my words made you feel, how wild my performance was, how many stages i rocked, how many rounds of applause fuck that. All i want is one person to feel how i feel when i pour out words, to feel the cleanse of my system to feel the heat of my convicion to feel the catharsis in my soul to stand up and DO something.
I write to speak to myself, to pour out my soul through this ink and this paper, on the screen of this phone, on the keypad of this tablet on my fucking skin because i write to breathe. I write when the messed upness of the world suffocates me i write when my mind closes up on me and the world becomes a dark place i write to battle stress and depression and anxiety i write to keep from falling. Under. I'm Sorry if you looked for something deep here, something that would move you and score all kinds of emotions I'm Sorry. This piece does not seek approval. This piece does not care about if you were happy. This piece is about me. I write because it is who I am and it is all I will ever know how to be.
